Job was a devout man who loved and served God. Satan challenged God saying that Job only loved Him for selfish reasons, that if all was taken from him, then he would not love God anymore. God allowed Satan to take all that Job had. He took his wife and children, his home and possessions, his wealth and status, his health and his friends regard. Even though Job was living in despair, living in pain, living in loneliness and poverty and without support, he still knew God lived. He never doubted.
During these 30+ years of struggling with a disease that had no diagnosis, and no name (I was not diagnosed until November 2015 and did not find a truly understanding Doctor until February 2017) I have lived in pain, despair, a living hell.
My health declined steadily over the years. Pain and fatigue have been constant and heartbreaking. Struggling with this alone caused a loss of work and career I had worked so hard for. I was named and called lazy, not trying hard enough, not wanting to do things for others.
I lost my marriage as the man I loved and still love and by the grace of God will always love (for love is not possession but is doing and seeking what is best for the loved one) understandably could not understand when doctors, those who think should know, dismissed my plight.
I lost my children, both of them, for 7 long years, as I could no longer do what was best for them, so they went to live with their father. He could care for them materially and physically and I could not. In my love for them I did what was right for them but I rarely saw them and of course what must they have thought. They probably thought I did not love them. This hurt but love is not a popularity contest. I did what I did for them and cried myself to sleep in my heartbreak.
I lost my home, all my savings, sold off my possessions, trying to buy food and rent because with no diagnosis and no strength I never had any support financially from any source other than some from my blessed mother in the UK who died in 2008, and some from my uncle a little later.
I started to get a reputation when applying for jobs as either being unable to keep the job and when things were bad, not even being able to attend the interview.
10 years ago my body systems starting being severely effected.
1.My eyesight is never the same from one moment to the next, I have double vision a lot of the time due to the muscles which support eye movement and could no longer read or look at people easily.
2.My hearing declined and I am deaf in 3 frequencies and limited in all the rest.
3. My bowels no longer function and I have to go to enormous lengths to evacuate my bowels and regularly I bleed and am in pain.
4. I cannot control the urinary system and feel I want to pee all the time, I leak all the time and when I do go to evacuate I have to empty and wait a few minutes, then I can evacuate a bit more, and wait a few minutes...so on. It can take me 20 minutes to slowly and exhaustingly part empty my bladder (I can never empty it completely).
5. I have IBS and GERD and have reduced salivia and have difficulty swallowing food. I cannot eat too much in one sitting and have gastroparesis which means the stomach and bowel cannot empty properly and food gets stuck causing an array of problems. All because the muscles of the GI tract no longer function properly. I have very dry eyes and mouth.
6. I have severe migraines and constant pain in my head. I cannot co-ordinate and daily fall over things and down things and trip over my own feet. I have to take especial care getting in and out of the bath, using stairs or steps, even walking on floors that are slightly uneven will cause me to trip and stumble. I usually hold onto someone or a support. I cut myself if chopping anything, cutting anything, opening containers. I have no real muscle strength and use a device to open containers or ask another.
7. My feet and legs burn a lot in bed and my sleep is disturbed. Fibro sufferers do not show the same sleep patterns and we go for years without any proper deep sleep. My nights are endless, my days painful and exhausting. I feel things touch me that are not there, my limbs, jerk, my hands shake, simple things like getting showered and dressed can be a marathon.
8. My short term memory is poor and I find it extremely difficult to learn new things. I had a Mensa IQ and now I am like an idiot at times.
9. I suffer severe anxiety attacks which are physical in nature; I cannot breathe, I do not want to be in my body, I cannot escape it, it is endless and can go on for hours.
10. My heart is effected and it has stopped beating for several minutes on 4 occasions. I suffer a lot of chest pain like having a heart attack (I could be having a heart attack but I have had this so often I ignore it).
11. I have TMJ and dental pain a lot. I could have bad teeth but would never know, they hurt all the time anyway. I have had many teeth removed and lost many because of low salivia and problems caring for myself and being able to get to and afford a dentist.
And all these things and many other symptoms go on day after day whilst I live inside this body filled with pain all over and fatigue so bad there are days I can't lift my arm to brush my hair. When I have a fibro flare, which feels like flu x10, the body is all inflammed and screaming for relief. I wrap myself in blankets and sweat as the only way to combat the extreme pain and stay like that for days almost dehydrated by the event.
All these things are my life but not yet could you call me Jobette. Why? Because I have always had 2 friends who never deserted me or threw judgement upon me no matter how I appeared to be or how long it was between communications. And I have a sister in the UK who has tried to understand and be there for me and never threw judgement in my face. Now I have a few more who I am blessed to call friend.
In this living hell, like Job, I also say that I know God lives. I love Him and try to serve Him. I do not believe I am righteous like Job but I do believe that in my life I have been tried in the fire because God loves me and wants me to learn and grow. Would I ask Him to take all this suffering from me? Of course I would! I am mortal and do not like or want suffering. I ask Him often, Please Father, bring me home. And His answer; I am bringing you home, but do you want to come home without those you love? My answer is no. So I stay a while longer knowing He is suffering with me and giving me the chance in some unexplainable way to help those who mean the world to me.
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